


I Am The Unknown. My Life Will Parrish, My Soul Will Die.

by Merchant



Series: Raven Revisited [6]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Dream Thieves-centric, Gen, More angst, Pynch references if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-06
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-07 22:07:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4279665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merchant/pseuds/Merchant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam Parrish had gone through physical abuse, waking up the ley line, and feeling inadequate among his friends. What was he planning to do next? Takes place during The Dream Thieves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am The Unknown. My Life Will Parrish, My Soul Will Die.

**Author's Note:**

> All right, so it's finally arrived. The last of the writings I have done so far. If you've been following along, I have many thanks to give you. Since I am now halfway through my re-read of Blue Lily, my uploads will be taking a break, while I finish the re-read, and then organize my notes into writings. After that, I'll have some Pynch fics to write out, and share with you all. This writing will be from Adam's POV, in The Dream Thieves setting. I won't link my Tumblr again, because I think doing it five times is plenty.
> 
> **The Raven Cycle, and it's characters, are the sole property of Maggie Stiefvater. I am the sole owner of this writing.**

_I am unknowable._  
  
Adam Parrish woke up every day, and looked around his apartment at St. Agnes. His room was a physical manifestation of how he saw himself. Plain, dull, boring. The room was  _empty_ , which is one of the best words Adam could use to describe himself. Adam Parrish was  _empty_ , even though he had made the sacrifice to Cabeswater, and could feel Cabeswater within himself. Compared to Gansey, Ronan, Blue, even  _Noah_ , who was stripped of life when he was the same age as Adam, Adam was  _empty_. 

They all had things that Adam didn’t have anymore, may not ever have. Gansey and Ronan had their wealth, their expensive things that they acquired without a second thought as to the price tags. Gansey and Ronan had popularity, with their good looks and social status. Even though Ronan chose to distance himself from any kind of status that would make him look less like  _Ronan Lynch,_ and more like the person Gansey always said he was, Adam was still so far behind, so  _below_ the social structure. Even Blue, the girl he had fallen for, the girl that understood him, that he could relate to, had more than he did. They all had  _homes,_ Gansey and Ronan had Monmouth, as well as a mansion in D.C and the Barns, respectively. Blue had 300 Fox Way, she had her mother and other relatives she could return to. Noah even called Monmouth his permanent  _home_ , and his living family still cared for him, even in death.  _Home. Family._ Adam Parrish no longer had either.

_I am unknowable._

Blue Sargent haunted Adam Parrish’s thoughts every day as well. Sometimes, he dreamed of her, when he wasn’t having dreams about Cabeswater, about the vision he saw of Gansey dying because of him. Even without a home, without a family, he still had someone that seemed to care about him, as much as he didn't feel could be possible. However, there was still something  _more_ he wanted from her. He wanted to kiss her so badly, but she wouldn’t let him. She wouldn’t tell him  _why_ , and that frustrated him, filled him with doubts.  _If she doesn’t want to be with me, she should just say it. Don’t drag me along thinking I actually have something for myself, if I really don’t have anything._

Seeing Mrs. Ramirez enter the building that day, hearing her tell him about a “tax assessment”, which would cut his rent payments each month, angered him more than he could explain. Mrs. Ramirez was not a good liar, and probably never lied a day in her life, but Adam wasn’t going to call her out on the bullshit story she had told him. It was too much, how everything matched up  _perfectly_ , between the rent cut and the tuition increase. It  _had_ to be Gansey, it was  _always_ Gansey, doing him “favors”.  _How many times do I have to tell him before he actually listens?!_ Adam was full of rage, and didn’t care who knew it. He couldn’t stand how Gansey thought he was helping, when it just made everything worse. How he hated the way Gansey made him feel, how he wished it would be so  _easy_  for him. He couldn’t wait to graduate, go off to college. For now, he would fight with Blue, and take out his anger on someone that didn’t deserve it, someone he cared about, and then Blue had had enough, and she was gone.Adam should’ve gotten used to always being alone, but he longed for comfort, for the company of others.

_I am unknowable._

Adam was just like his father, as much as he didn’t want to admit it. Every time Adam got angry, he felt his father coursing through his veins, leading him to act the way he did. Adam could see why his father treated him like he did. Adam didn’t deserve anything, he just held onto the reminder of how un-important he really was.  
  
It was while he was remembering these facts, that reality hit him, or what he thought was reality. Did he just see a woman nearby? No, there was no one else in his room but him. Was that a man, just now? It didn’t make sense, and yet it made all kinds of sense. He turned in the direction of whomever he thought he saw, and came face to face with a woman. She stood before Adam for a brief moment, and it looked like she was screaming something at him. Then, she was gone.

Adam’s anger had mostly vanished by then, so he went and immediately called Gansey. He told the other boy what he thought he saw, and then Gansey mentioned having Adam come stay at Monmouth. Adam heard a laugh in the background, that was obviously Ronan, who knew _exactly_ what Adam’s answer would be. Hearing this reminded Adam of why he was angry in the first place, so he wasted no time in letting Gansey know what he thought of that whole “tax assessment” deal.  _Don’t act like you don’t know, you bastard. Who else would it be?_ He reminded Gansey, yet again, how he felt about these “favors”, how Gansey didn’t, and would _not ever_ , understand what it was like to live the way Adam had to.  _He says he doesn’t know about the money, so maybe he doesn’t. If he did do it, what reason would he have to lie about it?_

Adam heard commotion on the other end of the phone, and started to ask what was up, but then Gansey hung up. Adam thought things over again, trying to figure out the truth about the “tax assessment”.  _It wasn’t Gansey, he didn’t sound like he was lying, so it wasn’t him. If it wasn’t him, who else? There isn’t anyone else._ Adam Parrish considered the details of the situation, putting pieces together.   
  
He recalled Ronan telling him about the room at St. Agnes before Adam moved on, had talked about how he attended the church regularly, so he was aware of the goings-on at the church. Ronan had the money, but would he _really_  do something like that for Adam? Adam recalled all of the time he spent with Ronan, how many times he’d catch Ronan looking at him. The look he saw in Ronan’s eyes when Adam caught him. The night Ronan saved him from his father’s abuse. He pieced everything together, and realized how stupid he had been, and how awful he felt yelling at Gansey like he did. He'd have to apologize to Gansey later on, he really didn't like fighting with any of his friends.

_I am unknowable, yet Ronan Lynch cares about me. Ronan Lynch, of all people, cares about me and is helping me out. I am unknowable, but Ronan Lynch seems to really like me. Now I've seen everything. No, maybe not everything, but it's getting close enough._

Gansey’s offer in the next phone call, of going to D.C. to visit his family at a party they were putting together, was too good to pass up, too  _convenient_. Typical of Gansey, always managing to say the right things at the right time. While he dreaded the thought of being thrown head first into  _Gansey’s world_ , he knew it was a perfect opportunity. He would be a part of that world, and this would be the best experience he could gain from it. Adam didn’t want to think about it, so he needed to distract himself from the thought it.  _Talk about Blue._ So he did just that.  _I can’t get through to her, but you can. You always know what to say._

Adam felt strange when he ended up at 300 Fox Way yet again. It was strange because he figured Blue wouldn’t want him there, and then he found himself sitting in the reading room, making himself look as much like the wallpaper as he could. Not speaking to anyone, knowing that if he did, he’d end up fighting with someone again. He sat there, keeping himself busy by going through the tarot cards, hoping they’d give him the answers he wanted.  _What’s happening to me? Can I really do this? What am I supposed to do?_ As much as he did his best to blend into the background, the background was not ignoring him. He could hear Maura, Calla, and Persephone’s words.  _Train wreck,_ they called him. Even Blue wanted to agree with them.  _That’s right, go ahead and laugh at me. I know what I am, I’m worse than a train wreck. I know that much._ Adam Parrish didn’t want to talk about this subject anymore.

_I am unknowable._

Adam remembered how he thought he’d never become friends with Richard Gansey III, and especially not him  _and_ Ronan Lynch. Gansey had everything, and Adam had nothing. Gansey had these great friends, and Adam was alone. Adam should not have been friends with Gansey, Ronan, Noah, and Blue. Yet, here he was, sitting in Gansey’s car, with Ronan, Noah, and Blue, traveling to Cabeswater again. It was moments like these where Adam remembered that, no matter how many times he got pissed at Gansey, Gansey was always there for him, doing his best to be a good friend, always sticking around even after Adam would fight with him. Adam couldn’t hate Gansey no matter what, because Gansey had a way of drawing him back in. So when they discovered Cabeswater had vanished, Adam felt all of the weight of the situation, it came crashing down around him.  _Is this my fault? It must be. Gansey will blame me, and that will be that. If not him, one of the others, or all of the others._

He waited for Gansey to start blaming him for the disappearance, but Gansey was more concerned about the Pig breaking down it seemed. A few minutes later, and Gansey finally started, he was looking right at Adam, with some intent in his expression.  _Here it is, he’s about to blame me._ Gansey _didn’t_ blame him, much to Adam's surprise. A few minutes more, and suddenly Ronan was next to him in the backseat, while Gansey and Declan spoke. Then Ronan had his leg over Adam's lap, and this made Adam look over at him, remembering everything that Ronan had done for him so far.  _Do you really have feelings for me, Ronan? Or are you pitying me, like Gansey does?_

Days later, and Adam found himself at the Barns, Ronan’s family home. Something he’d never thought would ever occur in his lifetime. When Ronan would mention the Barns to him, and tell him stories about it, Adam couldn’t imagine just how  _real_ the place would feel. Even as they buried that night terror, had seen the sleeping animals scattered across the property, and found all the “dream things” within the house.   
  
When Ronan grabbed his wrist, which made him drop the mask that had caught his eye while they were all exploring the inside of the house, Adam realized that Ronan was  _afraid_. The moment quickly vanished, because Ronan started punching the wall, and throwing things. It was then, that Adam realized he could do  _nothing_  to make Ronan feel better about what they had discovered, he couldn’t  _protect_  Ronan, like how Ronan had  _protected_  him. 

_I am unknowable. Ronan, you don’t have to face this alone. You’ve grown up with a lot of dream things, but you’re real. You’re right here, and I wish I could help you through this. “_ I can’t kill his demons,” he had said, and it was true.  _I wish I could kill your demons, but I am not the kind of person that would be able to ever do that._

Everything changed drastically, once Adam went to that party at Gansey’s parents house. Sure, he and Gansey made jokes on the way, while Gansey called Malory, something that calmed some of the nervousness he was feeling, but then he was  _there._ At Gansey’s house in D.C., the mansion where Gansey had lived before Henrietta, the people Gansey grew up around. It was so  _not_ Adam’s world, with talk of politics, champagne and ginger ale flowing almost endlessly.  _This is what it looks like when you’re Gansey. When Aglionby is behind you. This is what I want, but right now, I do not belong here. I am not Gansey, I may never have this_   _life._ When the lights went out, and the voices sang, Adam’s body surged with energy, reminding him of who he really was, and where his place stood, which was not in this mansion.  _At least I have Cabeswater, even though I'd rather not._

Then the fight with Gansey had happened, it was going to be inevitable ever since the ley line started getting unstable. Of course Gansey wouldn’t understand why Adam wanted to leave Henrietta, how he had wanted, and strongly wished, to be born into the life Gansey had lived. Gansey would  _never_  understand, and Adam was beyond sick of his pity, his chastising expressions, the way Gansey _looked down on him_.   
  
Adam let his anger take over his entire being, and this time, he didn’t try to calm it down, or get rid of it. Once Gansey had left him, alone in that hallway, Adam turned and saw his own reflection in the mirror. He could no longer recognize himself.  _This is what Gansey meant, what he was trying to tell me. Looks like I over-reacted again._ Adam Parrish knew he couldn’t be in that place any longer. So he had snuck out the first chance he could, and started walking away from the mansion.

_I am unknowable._

Adam kept walking, onward and onward. He’d black out every now and then, and then regain consciousness moments later. Apparitions flashed before him and around him as he wandered, causing Adam to feel himself losing control of Cabeswater. Where was he heading? Anywhere far away was necessary at that moment. Where was he now? He had absolutely no idea. So Adam just kept walking, as the apparitions screamed in silence at him, trying to get his attention, as he lost traces of his memories with each step he took.

When he had finally called Gansey, after he had found out where he was, when he found out just how much time had passed since he left, how he couldn’t remember things that came naturally to him, when he could feel more memories starting to slip away, that's when he knew what he had to do.  _I’ve been ignoring Cabeswater, and I have to stop ignoring it. I get it, I’ll listen to you, so tell me what you want from me._ A night's rest, and a few gifts later, which including a car of his own, even if it was a piece of shit car, and Adam Parrish was on a mission.  _No time for fights, no time for anything. I’m listening, Cabeswater, but I need to find out something first._

He found himself in Blue’s room, back at 300 Fox Way, and he finally asked her the question he needed the answer to, desperately. After yet another fight with Blue, Adam realized he was truly clueless about _everything_. He had been so concerned with himself, and what had happened, and was currently happening, to him, that he was pushing everyone else away. He had finally gotten the answer he wanted, to the question that was burning brightly in his thoughts.   
  
Blue would kill her true love if she kissed him. Adam Parrish was not her true love.  _It’s not gonna be you._ He still had to know. “I don’t  _want_ to kiss you. It’s not going to be you and me.”  _It’s over, just like that. I never really had Blue, I never really had anything.  
_    
 _I am unknowable._

Adam began to understand what he had to do now, what Cabeswater wanted from him. Persephone had helped him figure it all out, had shown him how to do the things Cabeswater was asking of him. He would stop giving his thoughts, and his memories, away to Cabeswater. He would listen to Cabeswater more closely. He could now speak to Cabeswater, with the tarot cards, which made things just a little less complicated and difficult. He would now know what Cabeswater wanted from him. For now, he needed to rest, because he was just so tired from everything that was going on. When he’d awoken, he was a year older, having missed his own birthday, and was much more knowledgeable. He had a mission to carry out, and he was determined to succeed. He was going to bring Cabeswater back, no matter what it took.

This surge of energy he was feeling was so familiar, as he walked in the field where Cabeswater once stood. It was his duty to bring that forest back, and his duty alone. He had the tarot cards, and he was already on his way to repair the ley lines, so that Cabeswater would return once more.  _Hurry._  He finally found something he could do to help Ronan, to help _everyone_.  _Consider this my way of thanking you, Ronan Lynch._

Everything was in place, and taken care of. The last stone marker was in place, but Cabeswater still wasn’t waking up.  _Come on, I need you to wake up. Listen to Ronan, he needs you to wake up. Listen to the Greywaren._ With a bolt of lightning, Cabeswater woke up again, as if it understood the predicament completely.  _You can do this Ronan, you’re the only one that can do this._ Ronan had vanished from sight, but Adam remained where he was.   
  
Something had appeared before him, something that wasn’t there before. The lake was gone, and there in it’s place stood a cave. This cave was very dark, and it gave off sinister vibes. He wasn’t going in without the others, so he turned and wandered out of Cabeswater, to wait for the others. As his friends arrived some time later, he showed them this cave. As they contemplated this newest addition to Cabeswater, Adam looked to Ronan, knowing that Ronan Lynch was connected to all of this somehow.

_I am unknowable. Ronan, you are the Greywaren, and Cabeswater wants you the most, there is something only you can do. I can only show you the way, I can't do more than that. I am unknowable, and I will always be unknowable. I will end up killing Gansey, and you will all see just how unknowable I am. Soon, I will be completely empty, and alone, once more. I can only hope that once you all see the truth, you won’t bother caring anymore. It’s okay, it was always going to be this way. I am Adam Parrish, and I am unknowable._


End file.
